Thank you 2009. Welcome 2010.

Year 2009, was a year of memories indeed. And it ended on a very high node, I received offer letter on last day of the year. What an end!! Happy New Year!! Thank You 2009!!

It was a year which I like to keep in the list of best years in my life so far. I love the way things went on till last day of the year. I am all excited for 2010.

2009 is one of the years where I had strived for discipline and more hard work than ever. I realized importance of envisage what you want to be rather than what you will be. Its difficult no doubt in that but sometimes you have to go for it.

Change was theme of 2009 and things got changed a lot during the whole year. A year started with emotionally down node then a Fight with the fate, desire, dreams, destiny than a decision to take CFA exam and then realizing amount of efforts needs to put, moving from one orbit to another, balancing work with the study, in between some of the personal problems, finally there was a sad demise of grandfather just before two days of my CFA exam, holding a nerve, faith on a god, exam day, result day, shivering I had while checking out my result, a sigh of relief when I pass the exam. But life is not exam where you read books and clear it but it’s all about practical’s, realized what I want and amount of struggle I would have to put in to get that.

Some old friends twittering in my mind and some new friends but in all it was an emotionally challenged year. But being surrounded by family is always a pleasure. Things have shaped up nicely in year 2009 but now its turn to give the direction to that shape in 2010.

2010 will not going to be easy, it will be most difficult year I would have ever faced so far. Many of the important decisions of my life need to take during this year. And many of my dreams will also get into shape both professionally and personally. I hope I can do it!!

One of the resolutions for 2010 is to support couple of child to get their education. Understanding nature of difficulties financially child goes through, and also importance of education I will try to provide support best as I can.

Theme of the 2010 will be hard work. Its very important for me to give everything for first six months of the year.

In short, 2009 has shown me the door but in 2010 I need to open that door. I hope this year will also be memorable for me and my family. Thank you 2009. Welcome 2010.

Wish you Happy New year.

"Serendipity" Part - 13

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Part - 13
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(The Last Letter to her)

There were times when life puzzled me and you were there. You had the pieces to those puzzles. Even I have tried my best to do the same for you. You know, what makes me sad?

After a few years or may be after a few months, you will take your puzzle-pieces and walk away, and I will do the same-I will have to. We can't leave our fragments in each other's life, can we? We will just stand up and walk away from each other, like nothing ever happened.

It surely will hurt though, the way I so carefully put all those pieces in places and suddenly I will have to break it all apart. But that is life I suppose. You have to move on; you have to start afresh and try finding a new solution to that puzzle. Can't say about you but I surely will be left a bit confused. I have this bad habit you know, staying confused.

Sometimes I pull myself away from you and sometimes I just want to be next to you. Strange, isn't it? Extremes of the opposites.

Our relationship? No. Don’t even try giving it a name. I have spent nights thinking about it, but can't say about you. May be you know the right name to it. But then don't tell me anything about it, not even a hint. I just am happy with my confusion.

Last night I went for a walk and when I returned,
I found my beautiful life, twisted and turned,
Its taking me long to make it all fine,
And often I stop and write a few lines,
And then a question bothers me:-
When the curtain falls and the show starts rewinding,
Will I be the one...the last man standing?

"Love gave me more than it took from me. It gave me tears but today when I think about them, I feel I am the luckiest.”

No one knows what I went through and how I stood up again to walk. But that is the part of my life that gives me strength every time I fall down. It made me realize how important I am to myself. When I held myself, when I splashed water on my face this morning to wash off the tears, when I sang myself to sleep, when I felt the pain slowly seep into me every time I faked a smile, I realized that I could face anything in life...For me love was always about expectations and... I was a fool."

Love

Good Bye. Take Care.

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End of Serendipity
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"Serendipity" Part - 12

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Part - 12
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(Boys do cry)

Yes Boy’s do cry. They cry in presence of nature. Anything can trigger it. A song, a word, a love, a care, a dream, a destiny, feelings that hurt like anything. Boys do have a heart that cringes and silently dies down with the spasm of pain making it without warning.

The last conversation with her made him to take a deep breathes and then finally ends up with a sigh, long enough for the moon to go through a full cycles of its game of eclipses.

Tears swell in his eyes but it stopped for a moment before bursting out; he thought for the moment as if his tears are worth of the pain he was going through last ten years. He lay curled and bent, like a fetus on his bed with the pillow between his knees. He kept the lights on because the sight of his shaking body was making him comfortable. He found himself not alone in this situation. His saw the site where his thighs stopped shivering when he held it tightly.

He clenched his teeth to keep the commotion down, to keep it all silent and unnoticed. But all his efforts went to vein when he surrenders to his emotions and the pain crawls out as a desperate scream. He bites the quilt; the cry keeps into the thread and cotton and disappeared forever. He wondering with the number of cries it holds in itself, how many screams of angst and pain it holds.

The nails start to etch lines and arches on the skin-thin lines, white, speckled by the broken lines of red, where the nail cuts through the skin. He cried in sobs so as to keep the world at bay. The sobs slowly turn to hiccups and then He whispered "What was my fault?"He looked around, everything looks blurred. Tears, they say, make everything blurred. He wiped them off but they came back again, like they flow from a fountain of perpetuation. Like small rivulets they make their way through his cheeks, leaving wet trails.

The gasps and the sobs, the hiccups, every expression of pain turn them into sputters-mixed with saliva they scatter out of existence.

“I pity myself. I cry because I pity the way I suffer; unknown and unnoticed” he whisperedslowly the body loses its tautness; loosens like an untying noose. There's no need to wipe off the tears or wash my face. It knows how to smile.

He opens the door, lock it and walk with his slippers on. Punching numbers on my mobile, pretending to call someone he walked along the corridor. He switched off the cell.

He reaches to the main gate of the building. The rusted Iron Gate, wet with dew. The moon shines with its brightest of faces. The stars twinkling in a subtle but controlled frenzy. He looked at them, made patterns and rearrange them.

Sky, stars, moon and He

"Serendipity" Part - 11

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Part - 11
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(In this part he is reciprocating to her answers)

You have changed. You are not the one I once met by the twilight's warp. You are not the one I talked to who looked like being covered with the golden slivers of sunshine. You are not that beach girl with whom I had my life best of best moments. Not the same dreamy woman but a brittle, ageing girl; not the fine silk or satin but a crumbled sheet of cotton.

Your words now come drenched in a breath of coffee; your sighs now wear smoke rings around them. Your voice not soft but wrapped in barbwires of arrogance, your smile not born but drawn from a cellar of old and used pleasantries.

And you, not yourself but a slave to the body of your illusions. You carry along with yourself your own definitions of happiness. You wear them, drive them, eat them, drink them and use them. The definitions.

We don't talk like we used to; our words approach each other like suited men, greet, sit and then discuss the "business" and the "purpose". I try going back to the old days and you laugh it off in a wisp of smoke and then you push it aside like some unwanted file on your table. Then you shower me with the answers of all my questions which I had never asked. So impertinent.

You laugh when not desired, you smirk when not expected, and you sympathized when not asked for. And I see all the colors of your face on the thousand tiny mirrors that sit glued to your well decorated wall and watch us like prying eyes.

Her gaze was fixed on the cup of coffee that she was so silently stirring. The dark whirlpool funnels deeper as the teaspoon scrapes against the walls of the cup. Her silence unfolds its own comprehension.

He stood up and said "Goodbye. Nice meeting you."

"Serendipity" Part - 10

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Part - 10
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(In this part she is answering the entire questions he had for her)

"...you can never face what I face every day, you will crumble before you even stand at the place where I do, and you are nothing.

You love the walls of your artificial world, and you think you have seen it all. You frame your past, admire them and show them to me as your prized possessions. You let your veins fill with pride which has turned your sighs to heaves, your anger to grudge and your hope to greed.

Fear the curse of those you ignored, of those who wanted a place in your heart but you stood there as an idol of stone and watched them return empty handed.

You compromise, you disguise and you rephrase but you don't have the courage to face it. You don't have the courage to fight as you fear the scars they will leave. So, you accept defeat but no, you don't say you were defeated, you say you didn't fight as it is of no use, as if you knew the consequences.

You disgust me when you lie to yourself that you don’t love me. You betray me when you lie to me that you don’t love me. You show me a different face, different from the one you admire everyday in your mirror, different from the one you feel sorry for as people pass by without ignoring it. But you have eyed more innocent than the guilty. You were blinded by your obsession with past and fear for future.

You have a heart of glass but to me you show it as cold ice. You think you are strong? You have no answers to your failures, you fear that you will lose again and so you show your back to the world and that’s the reason you never stopped me and asked me to get back in your life. Did you??

You asked me “What do you know about me?” The words I speak, speak of nothing. You turn the words around before you read them, you twist them, you bend them because you don't love them the way they are but you try to mould so that they would fit in your artificial world.

Hah! Solitude is bliss! You sleep with your alibis and make love to your ego. You don't have the courage to open the doors and you say you love the darkness. You can't stand the beauty outside and you say you love what you are.

Stay where you are, how you are and what you are. You think I am happy, you think I do not care about you, you think the world doesn't care about you. But wait. When destiny will push you into the fire, when despair will burn your flesh, when defeat will scour your skin, when your hands for help will return empty, when your guilt will shatter your house of glass, you will remember these words. And I will stand and watch, watch you burn, watch your blood burst out of veins and quench the fire. And then when you will raise your hand for me, I will hold you as I am not you...I am not you...I am not you." And she started crying a loud. She couldn’t hold herself anymore.

It was a complete silence around both. He just kept staring at her; he looked the way she was crying but didn’t found any courage to hold her.

He felt restless, his mind was thinking something but his heart was crying. He realized all things, he summarized all ten years from day when they left each other. He just couldn’t able to get the things done. He was amazed with the flow of words from her.

He found himself far below her, he knew.