Meri Aashiqui ab Tum Hi Ho

“I saw dream yesterday night

My child is running around with the face bright

I opened my arms to hug him tight

But my eyes got open due to morning light”

Thank you shona. Thank you for giving me this dream. Day’s are not far enough when my dream will be realized truly. I will be father soon.

You keeps complaining me about the amount of time I am giving you off late. But you know what,

“Meri baaton mein tera zikr sadaa
Meri yaad mein teri fikr sadaa
Main jo bhi hoon tum hi to ho
Mujhe tum se mili apni adaa”

I don’t remember a day without your thoughts. I remember countless thanks I gave you without your knowledge, without words, every day, every night, before sleeping and after waking. Have you ever felt something missing, incomplete and empty? Yes, I do feel every time when I disappoints you, when I fights with you, when I argue with you. Thank you for giving me feeling of soul – mate. My life will be definitely incomplete if I hadn't connected with you. It’s simple phenomena and yet so much difficult to explain.

“Kyunki tum hi ho, ab tum hi ho
Zindagi ab tum hi ho..
Chain bhi, mera dard bhi
Meri aashiqui ab tum hi ho”

I am super excited but as you know my expression of excitement is not the fire with fuel. But we are standing at the corner of the road of life where our life going to take a new turn, a new story will be written altogether fresh.

हर एक की जिन्दगी में वोह हसीं मोड़ आता है
जब कोई एक अपनोसे भी अपना बन जाता है
भीड़ मे भी उसका चेहरा सबसे पहले दिखाई देता है
शोर में उसका हर लब्ज साफ़ सुनाई देता है
उससे जुडी हर बात मुह जबानी होती है
हर किसीकी अपनी एक कहानी होती है...

Word’s are not enough today, my thoughts are not complete today, doesn't matter. I know you will be always with me, completely.

Thank You.

Being Master of the Market? Nope

Wondering with the stint I had have with the market or I say bazaar, share bazaar J. Market itself is the universe where you learn a lot with in yourself. Believe me markets makes you learn so much that you wont ever find out anywhere.

Whatever you are trader, investor, hedger or speculator every one wants their bets (oopss did I used right word) should go right. Everyone wants to be master of market. But you can not be a good trader, investor, hedger or speculator till you really want that you should mastered/ will master the market.

A simple question pop up in my mind “can you ever become GOD?” Nope. You can only become one with him and that happens only when one surrenders the ego. Yes “ego”.  Why we all are so fond of god? Because we know that we can not be god ever. Same way have you ever wondered why do markets have this crazy attraction? I myself getting crazy towards it. Why do people become so addicted to them? The first reason may be the elusive and illusive nature of the market. Whatever we can’t master becomes attractive to us; be it God, market or a beautiful lady!

We want to KNOW the market, something that we can’t do. All the efforts to master the market are driven by our egotism. But one must remember: Market is a place where you become the master through a complete surrender. There is no place for ego here. You accept all the commandments of the market. If you had thought that it would go up and it goes down; accept the fact wholeheartedly without feeling any injury to your ego. Don’t say: how can the market contradict ME! If you don’t accept the markets as they are, you will be left an emotional wreck.

Make one thing sure that you are not controlling the market, Market is controlling you. Up, down, bull, bear whatever be the market your emotions gets controlled by the market. One universal rule I want to mention here is that “Money can not be created in market, it just transferred from one person to other” so for every happiness you have in market, there has to be sadness to rebalance.

Trading in the markets is a journey in self-discovery. You venture out to discover the secret of the market and end up discovering yourself. You discover your impatience, your inner fears, your greed etc. In sum, you are forced to reassess yourself. After all these aspects of your personality are discovered, it is up to you whether you have the guts to come to terms with all the universal human emotions. I don’t say that you will eradicate these from your system. Here also only an acceptance of these will lead to a position when you do not resign to these temptations. The key is to gain objectivity. Courage is not the absence of fear but its conquest. When you are able to withstand your own frailties and become successful as a trader, you will realize that all through your own self was the biggest obstacle and the markets never stopped you from being successful. You yourself were the impediment. Even after this success, you realize that you have still have not mastered the market but conquered your own self. You can even find God through surrender of the self. 

Remember: Market like God is not mastered/its realized.

Know then thyself.

"Mirror Reflection"

Few days back, I walk in front of the mirror and I find my reflection walk along with me into it but from other side of the mirror. I stopped for a moment. He was un doubtfully looked like me but hang on.. is that real me what he look like in a mirror. Does mirror reflection shows everything what you are? I don’t know the answer but I stopped in front of mirror and felt difference, the man on the other side and the man that stands within me. Ugliness?? Beauty?? Two form of every human. All that is so obvious and so glaring to everyone. And how my reflection looks like I don’t need to tell everyone around me. I trust my mirror it is honest enough to answer that.

But I want to know about the beauty in me, the part of me that only someone can see, someone can feel who really know me. What is there in me that make someone to say yes to me, I need to know that why someone will choose me?? And why someone will reject me?? Question keeps changing in front of mirror with the time. But do we are capable of getting or accepting honest answer from Mirror?? I doubt.

We as a human being, why we are so naive? Why every time we want something beautiful things to happen? And when we see our reflection in mirror why we see only beautiful part?  Sometimes we know what mirror can’t show. We know things about us that we had left behind, things which doesn’t matter most. We named it as practicality.

We all are busy in walking so fast and so long that people that even your own people don’t recognize you any more. But we know how did we started and how it will end.

Well even I am like you all. Can’t understand why we behave like this where we know what we are still we pretend what we are not?

Be practical!! Live with the life, not against life.

"For Unseen face"

I don’t know what’s happening to me, I am in the crux of so many things. Starting with a face whom I never seen, my family, my exam, my work and my destiny. But still when I fall on my bed at a time when stars come out with the glittering face, moon shines to show me that face and sun hides to give me that cozy space,

“Once again, sleep has evaded me

 Once again, your thoughts have persuaded me”

I smile avoiding many faces of my dear ones to remember your face “oh, my dear one” I skipped all the questions miserably ask by my mom, dad and brother. I smiled back to them. Making them wonder “how I could be like this?”

“I sit down on my bed and pretend to write

 As I rack my brain searching words for you”

I am out of woods, feeling a cold in the mid of summer night. Thinking how long I will be like this away from you with the thoughts which are neither yours nor mine. But I took the ownership of those thoughts to describe you as what I think of you but still its hard to put you in words which my heart feels for you.

“I am playing with my pen,

 I wonder where to start,

 With your staggering beauty?

 Or your beautiful heart”

All effort goes in vein when I see my page still blank, but it’s not easy task at all to describe you girl which has both beauty and brain, after all I am not a poet at all. But I remembered something which you did last time before going away from me.

“Talking to you

 Is the most wonderful part of that day

 I just loved to listen

 When you said ‘miss you so much’”

You know the day before yesterday your voice was so enchanting. It almost made me to speechless when you said ‘bye’ to me. I wonder how this time will fly, keeping me awake all nights. Is the same situation with you? I wish soon I get to listen your smile, your voice and a word ‘janu’ from you to make me feel special that I made for someone like you.

“Listening your smile

 Takes away all my pains

 Like a thirsty soul

 Searching for water

 Suddenly put into the rains”

It feels like your thoughts has invaded my mind without giving me warning, you conquered my thoughts. But it has made my life ordered which was little out of sorts. I don’t know what to write more where many thoughts are poking my mind. I am waiting for the moment when I will see you first time.

“I would stop here

 For I have other promises to keep,

 I am done with this now

 So I shall try going back to sleep”

Shank!!

Last day in Reliance :)

The Last day before i switch off my desktop (DPC - A002242). Some thoughts are in my mind that i want to say especially to them whom i have communicated in my professional tenure of 3 years with RTS.

I love this DAKC, for all the reasons it has given to me. It has given me all key first moments in my life both Personal as well as Professional. First job always have important place in CV and DAKC too have that importance (It will be always there in my CV) . . :)

Professionally this job has given me all first key break through to change myself from student to REE (Revenue Earning Employee - someone needs to justify). My first appointment letter, first Meeting, first presentation, first assignment, first scrap project, first mistake and last but not the least my first switch everything has been happened here in my first company - RTS. Apart from this there are countless other moments happened right here in DAKC.

15th April, 2006. I remember the day i was standing outside Gate No. 1 and while looking at the BHQ building i got the unknown motivation and i still get that feelings. It is the statue of power that Brand Reliance holds in India. And a guy fresh out from the college can't ask more than this (except salary).

For a GET (with baniya skills) it is hard to justify here everything is perfect for him but that is what i learnt in DAKC, ability to grow in a difficult environment. As organization it believes on job training (refer undocumented policy) but I forgot to mention that most important training i got on job is Trade Off. Trade off can be between two people, two departments, HR-Employee, Manager-subordinate, two collegues. Everything we learn on job (Unique training). But i think i should concentrate on positive things rather than deceptive things.

I have heard from my ancestor (19th Century) that we should learn from out mistakes but in 21st Century no one will allow you to do mistakes then how will you learn?? well this is the only place where you can make mistakes and learn from mistakes. It has given me enough learning opportunities. Thank you RTS

It is difficult to express myself for all the things i have learned here (really??) But some where i visioned myself something different than what i can be here. So time was due for change. I am not taking anything away from RTS infact i am not one who believe in bartering system. So one more time i am saying Thank You RTS. This shall indeed be useful in my future endeavours.

Although I am happy to move out but still i feel that I miss few of people here. Some for good reasons and some for other reasons.

Well few of very good friends gave me name "GURUBHAI", well i hadn't decided that name but they just did, Thank you friends. I am touched.

The sentiment of going away, of anticipated nostalgia, mixed with all that one looks forward to, is a heady mix. I am perpetually dazed in the last few days.

Thank you everyone for all the calls, msg's, mails, farewell's, words of wisdom, criticism, some inspired memento's, everything bestowed upon for the last few days, in lieu of me leaving.

I love you all.

Dear Team

Thoughts are many but words are few
Will remember you as being member of crew

Work projects communications getting hectic
Thank you all for teaching me those tectics

Mam, Sir, collegues and Friend
Relationship with you will never end

You may all achieve your goal
Onething sure that i miss you all

Kashhh . . koi Munnabhai yahan hota!!!

It's indifference of human nature that we sometime find humor in every tensed situation around us. And i am not exception to that. In recent past someone told me that if things don't work out for you than don't think about it too much leave it for elders.

"Sirf Blank face karke smile karneka"

Us se Kya hoga? i asked her with the amazed

She told me "aur to kuch nai hoga but you will get courage to face something" and she smiled . . hehe

Oye dekh i listened your words, I am smiling with blank face . . It's working :)

I don't know what the difference it will have and how long it will have but one thing is sure that even if you find every thing right around you, for you then also there is only something which you will get for everything else it is MAKTUB.

It's few numbers here and there made everything look odd isn't it atrocious?? I don't believe in it, you don't believe in it but there is a lot more crowd surround us do believe in it and thats what AM is all about :)

Well who know there will be some good in it which we don't see!! Array yaar sirf do ghante aur control nai kar sakti thi kya . . hehehehe

Kashhh . . koi Munnabhai yahan hota and sab kuch thik kar deta!! I wish!!

but you know what?? Its good to have you as a friend?? what say :)

Anyways tension nai lene ka !! smile Karne ka!! becoz aal is well!!

Bbye . . tc . . Keep smiling :)

Let me be your . . . :)

Let me be your secret
I promise not to tell
Let me be your secret
one you want to know well

Let me be your promise
The one you're going to commit
Let me be your promise
The one you won't regret

Let me be your Shadow
from one you can't escape
Let me be your Shadow
To see the mistakes you make...

Let me be your mind
To give you the help you sought
Let me be your mind
To consume your every thought...

.....................................

Let me be your everything
on one you put your belief

Let me be your everything
Including your wonderful life

..............................

Plz let me be your Life J

Scattered Thoughts!!

I got up late in the morning today and i felt everything scattered around me. I remembered that i slept late last nite around 3 in the morning. someone asked me what kind of girl you are looking for as a life partner?? someone asked me first time with the intention, with the purpose like validating myself for some purpose. But i love the way, it has to be this way now. Its better you know and validate before you take important decision.

And i didn't tried to pretend anything, in fact why should i pretend to be neat when i want them all that way . .?? with all this thoughts i just walk out from home for office. I know where is my mind today. And a big smile covered my face :)

I look at the sky when sun hit me hard on the face. It's been long now when i found sun ray's pleasurable. Sky is all blue today. So, blue that it makes me stop and think about chat we had. I stopped near sector 28, i looked around, tried to find someone. I wish if i could see someone from there :)

The sun looks so bright today and it was complementing today with my feeling and thoughts. I was standing near blue diamond hotel for auto and watching the scene it was seems to be more beautiful than ever. I swear i see stars in this day light, twinkling.

I remembered some words from you again, i laughed. I was starring something blankly and someone asked me something, i said nothing.

I got out from auto and started walking towards office, i know myself and i murmured, "Saala lagta hai aaj ek aur post likhega." :)

I am so sure of something now. I was seeing things in their entirety. Do i need to live in a world of practicalities, rituals and all. I don't know for sure. I am confused.

I don't know i am thinking too much or may be i am just different. People around me are excited about this that they don't really ask me what I want. But then, what is that I want? Something really silly,i don't know that i need to answer for that. But for the moment, i am happy with the way things gone so far. I am happy with my mood, I am happy with our talk of last nite, I am happy with whatever little happiness i have this morning but i am also scared, i am scare if things go against my thoughts. Can i have a strength to alter my fate?? i don' know.

But then i am afraid of my thoughts. I am trying to stay calm myself. All is well!! All will be well!! All has to be well!! and if not than we will make it well!! What you say mamu :)

I am within My Self !!

Last night, I was having a conversation with a friend. Since i was a part of the conversation, it was of shameful intellectual standards. We were talking about the kind of girls we had in our batch through out our engineering years. Suddenly in an awful display of veering of conversation, the talk moved onto a rather philosophical plane. Within a matter of minutes of an animated discussion, my friend asked me this

"Have you ever thought what kind of person are you?"

I promptly coughed, murmured something about India and Bangladesh match, and then started talking about his engagement. The conversation ended soon after. (Itne heavy questions poochega to end karni hee padegi na). But then I got back to my room , jumped in my bed , drew my bedsheet over the eyes, stared into the darkness and thought "What kind of person am I?"

Now I am as confident as a Himesh Reshmiya confident about his acting and when I say that around 4 people on this planet would be interested in knowing about the what person I am, assuming my family would be interested in that. But I guess thinking about oneself once in a while clears up things, and then why should only celebrities get to talk about themselves and their favorite colors and favorite dishes? (Priyanka Chopra says "she is geeky". I am too trying to be "geeky" things I do for Piye)

So now I will talk about what I think of myself as a person. I remember one famous quote

"The most uncomfortable person in this world is a person who is not himself."

But over the years, I have tried to practice what this quote said. So I have learnt to listen to myself . I have learnt to develop a sense of self security so I don't need to do things which makes me 'cool' or 'happening' or 'smart'. So I don't drink or smoke, even though guys around me gulp gallons of alcohol and call me 'sissy' and 'mama's boy' while I sip a coke. So I don't stand around the boss during the office meetings and exclaim 'Excellent Idea' when the boss describes a business idea even a pantry guy wont approve. I wont play a rock number on my win-amp just because every cool dude with colored hair says it 'ossssssssummmmm man'.

Improvement is something that belongs to my priority list, but pretending to please your senses is not exactly on my things-to-do list. In short, I am uncool, stuck-in-old-times, and strange to a lot of people, but I have learnt to be myself. And i love myself more than anyone else.

And a contract killer is more spiritual than me, and I dozed off on the second shloka of Bhagvad Geeta, but as the years pass me by, I am beginning to understand the importance of searching for happiness in the right places. Achievements, salaries, accolades, shallow relations serve as a rocket fuel for the ego, but an ego boost is as different from happiness.

I am learning from life, that things change, people change, and clinging onto anything is selfish and as useless as gynecologist gives investment ideas.

Anyway, talking about oneself in words is like i am again trying to fit Adnam Sami again in Priyanka Chopra's low vest jeans. I have done before that also but today I have already destroyed every limit of self indulgance by talking about myself so long, so I will wrap up now.

Strange!!

"Do I like her? Is it all that I feel? No, it can't be. Is it just attraction? But what is this attraction all about? I haven't seen her, I haven't touched her, I haven't seen her smile back to me. What is it? Just her voice? No, even not her voice and it can't be. If it were just for voice then I would have fallen for every cuckoo voiced girl. What is it? Strange that I remember everything that she has said. I get sad, I see her face infront of my eyes; I am happy I see her face, I fail I see her face and when I am doing nothing I see her face. And then there is her voice. My heart pounds and throbs. Have you seen a bird flutter and cry in a cage? Well thats what happens to it. It shouts and cries in desperation from inside. Feeling shy to share it with anyone. But if I know there's nothing in it then why am I searching for "something" Is it the boyishness in me that's trying to break out? I love it when she say No to me, I love it she talks childish with me. I have gone mad for sure. May be I am searching for someone to blame for all the mishaps. Throughout my life I have closed the doors on my "beating" heart. When its hurt I just try to switch it off, try every possible way to stop it from beating. I turn it into a machine that only beats to pump the fluids through my body; yes few drops of tear do soften the chains that bind it. But still I do blunders and this what i get. Hah! I know it will pass. Its just that under current of "desires" that's breaking ripples at the bay of my heart. Its nothing, few days of loose work, so after few days with new work profile i will off her-completely by dissolved in work. (But is it so?)

For You :)

I don't know how it happened but I started thinking about you in between the breaks, my hands automatically search your name in my mobile and then I didn't have that courage to call you. You know I am a short of words in front of you. But I hear the sound of violin when I see you on-line in my G-talk. What does it mean? Can you tell me?

So many times in last few days, my eyes met your eyes in my dream and every time my heart missed a beat, so question I asked myself is it love or something else?

So many times in last few days, I had felt your eyes on me and I saw that calm and distant look in your eyes, so question I asked myself is it love or something else?

So many times in last few days, I saw smile on her face and that spark in your eyes, is it for me, so question I asked myself is it love or something else?

I don't know what it is but I know it's not me who has so much patience for things, but it's you who is making me to wait so much and I am waiting for it also. I don't know if I had chosen this way to approach you the way you have shown to me. You know what exactly you are doing, you know what exactly you need to do next, you have that control and you have that rhythm.

You know sometimes I resemble you with my basanti. I am trying to find my basanti in you and somewhere I am finding her also but still long way to go.

You know what I liked most so far, clarity of thoughts about what you want and they way you say no for anything. Sometime I just love to hear NO from you.

I am still searching for the things which I don't like in you so far. I don't know what will be the crest of this friendship, where it will end but I am so sure that I got the one good friend.

I am thinking beyond the sky, beyond the stars, beyond the whisper of my silent hours,

I am thinking beyond the darkness of this stoic night, beyond the glow of the morning light,

I am thinking beyond my thoughts, beyond my screams, beyond the picture of this wonderful dreams

I am thinking beyond the embrace, beyond the lust, beyond the limit of this unplugged trust.

Well its already 2 of the early morning but i am no where near to sleep and it is too early to conclude anything also :)

"Serendipity" Part - 13

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Part - 13
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(The Last Letter to her)

There were times when life puzzled me and you were there. You had the pieces to those puzzles. Even I have tried my best to do the same for you. You know, what makes me sad?

After a few years or may be after a few months, you will take your puzzle-pieces and walk away, and I will do the same-I will have to. We can't leave our fragments in each other's life, can we? We will just stand up and walk away from each other, like nothing ever happened.

It surely will hurt though, the way I so carefully put all those pieces in places and suddenly I will have to break it all apart. But that is life I suppose. You have to move on; you have to start afresh and try finding a new solution to that puzzle. Can't say about you but I surely will be left a bit confused. I have this bad habit you know, staying confused.

Sometimes I pull myself away from you and sometimes I just want to be next to you. Strange, isn't it? Extremes of the opposites.

Our relationship? No. Don’t even try giving it a name. I have spent nights thinking about it, but can't say about you. May be you know the right name to it. But then don't tell me anything about it, not even a hint. I just am happy with my confusion.

Last night I went for a walk and when I returned,
I found my beautiful life, twisted and turned,
Its taking me long to make it all fine,
And often I stop and write a few lines,
And then a question bothers me:-
When the curtain falls and the show starts rewinding,
Will I be the one...the last man standing?

"Love gave me more than it took from me. It gave me tears but today when I think about them, I feel I am the luckiest.”

No one knows what I went through and how I stood up again to walk. But that is the part of my life that gives me strength every time I fall down. It made me realize how important I am to myself. When I held myself, when I splashed water on my face this morning to wash off the tears, when I sang myself to sleep, when I felt the pain slowly seep into me every time I faked a smile, I realized that I could face anything in life...For me love was always about expectations and... I was a fool."

Love

Good Bye. Take Care.

**********************
End of Serendipity
**********************

"Serendipity" Part - 12

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Part - 12
**********************

(Boys do cry)

Yes Boy’s do cry. They cry in presence of nature. Anything can trigger it. A song, a word, a love, a care, a dream, a destiny, feelings that hurt like anything. Boys do have a heart that cringes and silently dies down with the spasm of pain making it without warning.

The last conversation with her made him to take a deep breathes and then finally ends up with a sigh, long enough for the moon to go through a full cycles of its game of eclipses.

Tears swell in his eyes but it stopped for a moment before bursting out; he thought for the moment as if his tears are worth of the pain he was going through last ten years. He lay curled and bent, like a fetus on his bed with the pillow between his knees. He kept the lights on because the sight of his shaking body was making him comfortable. He found himself not alone in this situation. His saw the site where his thighs stopped shivering when he held it tightly.

He clenched his teeth to keep the commotion down, to keep it all silent and unnoticed. But all his efforts went to vein when he surrenders to his emotions and the pain crawls out as a desperate scream. He bites the quilt; the cry keeps into the thread and cotton and disappeared forever. He wondering with the number of cries it holds in itself, how many screams of angst and pain it holds.

The nails start to etch lines and arches on the skin-thin lines, white, speckled by the broken lines of red, where the nail cuts through the skin. He cried in sobs so as to keep the world at bay. The sobs slowly turn to hiccups and then He whispered "What was my fault?"He looked around, everything looks blurred. Tears, they say, make everything blurred. He wiped them off but they came back again, like they flow from a fountain of perpetuation. Like small rivulets they make their way through his cheeks, leaving wet trails.

The gasps and the sobs, the hiccups, every expression of pain turn them into sputters-mixed with saliva they scatter out of existence.

“I pity myself. I cry because I pity the way I suffer; unknown and unnoticed” he whisperedslowly the body loses its tautness; loosens like an untying noose. There's no need to wipe off the tears or wash my face. It knows how to smile.

He opens the door, lock it and walk with his slippers on. Punching numbers on my mobile, pretending to call someone he walked along the corridor. He switched off the cell.

He reaches to the main gate of the building. The rusted Iron Gate, wet with dew. The moon shines with its brightest of faces. The stars twinkling in a subtle but controlled frenzy. He looked at them, made patterns and rearrange them.

Sky, stars, moon and He

"Serendipity" Part - 11

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Part - 11
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(In this part he is reciprocating to her answers)

You have changed. You are not the one I once met by the twilight's warp. You are not the one I talked to who looked like being covered with the golden slivers of sunshine. You are not that beach girl with whom I had my life best of best moments. Not the same dreamy woman but a brittle, ageing girl; not the fine silk or satin but a crumbled sheet of cotton.

Your words now come drenched in a breath of coffee; your sighs now wear smoke rings around them. Your voice not soft but wrapped in barbwires of arrogance, your smile not born but drawn from a cellar of old and used pleasantries.

And you, not yourself but a slave to the body of your illusions. You carry along with yourself your own definitions of happiness. You wear them, drive them, eat them, drink them and use them. The definitions.

We don't talk like we used to; our words approach each other like suited men, greet, sit and then discuss the "business" and the "purpose". I try going back to the old days and you laugh it off in a wisp of smoke and then you push it aside like some unwanted file on your table. Then you shower me with the answers of all my questions which I had never asked. So impertinent.

You laugh when not desired, you smirk when not expected, and you sympathized when not asked for. And I see all the colors of your face on the thousand tiny mirrors that sit glued to your well decorated wall and watch us like prying eyes.

Her gaze was fixed on the cup of coffee that she was so silently stirring. The dark whirlpool funnels deeper as the teaspoon scrapes against the walls of the cup. Her silence unfolds its own comprehension.

He stood up and said "Goodbye. Nice meeting you."

"Serendipity" Part - 10

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Part - 10
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(In this part she is answering the entire questions he had for her)

"...you can never face what I face every day, you will crumble before you even stand at the place where I do, and you are nothing.

You love the walls of your artificial world, and you think you have seen it all. You frame your past, admire them and show them to me as your prized possessions. You let your veins fill with pride which has turned your sighs to heaves, your anger to grudge and your hope to greed.

Fear the curse of those you ignored, of those who wanted a place in your heart but you stood there as an idol of stone and watched them return empty handed.

You compromise, you disguise and you rephrase but you don't have the courage to face it. You don't have the courage to fight as you fear the scars they will leave. So, you accept defeat but no, you don't say you were defeated, you say you didn't fight as it is of no use, as if you knew the consequences.

You disgust me when you lie to yourself that you don’t love me. You betray me when you lie to me that you don’t love me. You show me a different face, different from the one you admire everyday in your mirror, different from the one you feel sorry for as people pass by without ignoring it. But you have eyed more innocent than the guilty. You were blinded by your obsession with past and fear for future.

You have a heart of glass but to me you show it as cold ice. You think you are strong? You have no answers to your failures, you fear that you will lose again and so you show your back to the world and that’s the reason you never stopped me and asked me to get back in your life. Did you??

You asked me “What do you know about me?” The words I speak, speak of nothing. You turn the words around before you read them, you twist them, you bend them because you don't love them the way they are but you try to mould so that they would fit in your artificial world.

Hah! Solitude is bliss! You sleep with your alibis and make love to your ego. You don't have the courage to open the doors and you say you love the darkness. You can't stand the beauty outside and you say you love what you are.

Stay where you are, how you are and what you are. You think I am happy, you think I do not care about you, you think the world doesn't care about you. But wait. When destiny will push you into the fire, when despair will burn your flesh, when defeat will scour your skin, when your hands for help will return empty, when your guilt will shatter your house of glass, you will remember these words. And I will stand and watch, watch you burn, watch your blood burst out of veins and quench the fire. And then when you will raise your hand for me, I will hold you as I am not you...I am not you...I am not you." And she started crying a loud. She couldn’t hold herself anymore.

It was a complete silence around both. He just kept staring at her; he looked the way she was crying but didn’t found any courage to hold her.

He felt restless, his mind was thinking something but his heart was crying. He realized all things, he summarized all ten years from day when they left each other. He just couldn’t able to get the things done. He was amazed with the flow of words from her.

He found himself far below her, he knew.

"Serendipity" Part - 9

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Part - 9

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She looked into his eyes. He was looking towards moon but tears were rolling from his eyes to his chin. She saw that and she couldn’t control herself anymore and she also started crying.

“Plz, don’t cry. I know you. I had seen your face almost every night. I am also vulnerable to the pain which you are going through” she said to him.

He responded to her but this time a frustration was clearly visible in his words. “What do you know about me? What is that you know? What do you know of my pain? All you see is my face.” He responded

“Why are you feeling pity about yourself??” she said

“Self-pity? Yes, I pity myself. I pity the way I suffered. I pity the way I burned those nights. Time didn't give my share of mourning and it stayed all inside. It still is there, burning. It burns me every night. No matter how loud I laugh, how high I jump, how much I cry, it stays there” He said

“Why are you getting so much angry? Don’t you see sympathy for you in my eyes? Don’t you??” she looked into his eyes

Yes, I am angry. Fucking angry. To hell with all your sympathy. Live a single night that I lived and you will crumble.

“Do you think is that all easy for me?? Just compare your fate and mine?? You will see the difference” she lose control on herself

All you know is compare. You, a part of this race that compares everything, jealous of everything, of even sadness. All you do is compare your sorry fate with mine and then fling verdicts at me but don’t feel proud of yourself?

“Yes, I am proud of myself. I am proud of the way I faced everything. I am proud of my coldness, of my fake smiles, of my strength. See the sights I saw and your walls of strength will crumble to dust. Your eyes will well, your heart will pound against the ribs, your lungs will scream for a breath. But wait, you have to smile through all this! You can't cry, not even sob; you have to hold everyone. You have to be strong. And I am proud of myself.” She defended herself

He couldn’t able to utter a single word, he kept listening to her.

But God it hurts. It hurts like hell. I want to speak out. Let go of everything. Someone who would hold me and ask, "Tell me everything. Tell me what all happened to you. Tell me and I will listen." I let no one see me burn but today I need someone to know all that. No, I don't need any sympathy. But I want everything out of me. But how will I make sure that all that's out? Only when someone will tell me, "It's okay. It was not your fault. It has all passed. Stop crying." She continued.

“I was always there standing alone to help you.” He said

“Can you help me measure my pain? Help me please. I beg. Take my life but help me live for a moment. I feel so drowned. So alone. So tired of pretending that I have got over everything”

“Even I want my everything back. I want my innocence back, my life free of worries. I am afraid that in my attempt of running away from my past, from my worries I am running away from the ones who love me the most. They remind me of everything. I am so far from them now. I want to get close to them. I want them”. He said

“I want that cuddle of friends, that warmth of my parents, those nights I shared with listening to you. I want you back. I want your shoulders to lean on. I want you please.” He continued.

"Serendipity" Part - 8

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Part - 8

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He looked into her eyes to see the answer he wanted from her. He stood from a couch, walked closer to her. Now he stood in front of her. He asked for her hand. She couldn't deny it. Her heart had no more control over her mind. It didn't listen any of a call from her mind.

He held her hand, and took her near a balcony of her well furnished home. He pointed towards a moon, which was in a full shape today. They both stepped out from the boundary of a relationship, a boundary of the friendship. For the moment they forgot everything, they were here like they were ten years before. They were still holding each others hand, but this time more tightly and starring towards a moon. Moon has its own effect own them. They fall back to their old memory days, a day when they were out for a trip to a beach with their friends.

He started "I opened my old album yesterday after almost ten years. And I found you. You were dressed in your favorite half-shirt and half-pants. You had knotted your shirt above your belly. Your belly was clearly visible. That gesture of yours still excites me every time I remember it. I stand next to you with your arms around my shoulders. We both were striking a pose for the camera. The background of a blue bed-sheet with patterns of flowers stitched on it, hangs behind us. We were smiling.

I turn to the next page and I find you sitting on the broken wall of an old house on beach. You watch me from there as I play with the sand on the beach. I dig holes, scoop and fill my hands with the sand. With a twig I then scrap off the sand from behind my nails. I look at you then, smiling. You look back and jump on to the heap from that wall. We build our first sand-castle.

We got tired and we slept over their. You were leaning towards me with your brows furrowed. I am on my belly, lying, peeking into your eyes, with the characters of the story, you started telling to me about all your family, your brother, you mom and dad. Hours pass together. I yawn. I say, "Rest family drama tomorrow. I looked into your eyes and I saw something and changed my words. No, tonight after dinner!"

You smile, "I can finish it now if you want me to." "No!", I say, "I want the full of your bakwass gossip tonight." "Ok", you say and you slap me with the love. I tried to have a fake anger; you ran off towards the beach, I ran off behind you. I caught you near sea. We both fell into the sea; you became wet so I was. I held both of your hand, I saw love in your eyes, and same love was visible in my eyes. I held your hand more tightly. Your eyes got closed; I came close to you, a very close to you near your lips. You felt my hot breath and you opened your lips, I sensed it what you wanted and I reciprocated you with the same intense. A complete lust took over to love for the moment, away from all, in the presence of sea.

We broke that moment. I stand with anxious eyes, nervous. You play to find something in the wanted, the thing you do when you are worried, you nervous. You walk out of the sea and then walk back in to the house. You walk out again and in again you came out. You came and stand near me anxiously. You hugged me tight. You cry. I try figuring out why you are crying where it was no one's fault. But then I cry too. Just because you cried.

"Serendipity" Part - 7

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Part - 7

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"It's so easy to read you, so easy" she said to him.

"You can't hide your anger, your fear, and your frustration. Though you pretend a lot at times but every time you try, you fail. I don't know about others but it just takes a few seconds for me to know in what mood you are." She continued.

"You know what, you speak more when you are silent and when you speak, and all you try to do is show that you are not all that's so obvious. Lock me in a dungeon and smile, I will know; drown me in an ocean and cry, I will know; burn me to ashes and hate me and you will find my ashes flying away." She opened herself more.

He amazed with her understanding and the way she knew him. There was full of emotions flowing between them. He wanted to cry, wanted to cry aloud. He was missing her all those year, no one know him more than her.

"You will have to give me a sign, one of your stupid ways to hide your emotions and I will know. I swear I will be there then." She paused for a moment and looked into his eyes. He couldn't able to utter a single word. He was fighting with his fate, his feelings, and his emotions. He couldn't hold himself anymore and he burst into the tears.

"I am all alone from last ten years, from a day when you went away from me", he told her with wet eyes.

"There was no one to listen me; a sudden change of surroundings was beating me more than healing me. It was so difficult to change myself into next orbit, I couldn't able to done that. I just couldn't able to forget you. I couldn't able to get married and settle in the life because there was no one to take your position except you. I had missed you so much." He continued.

She couldn't pretend to remain strong for long time, wetness in his eyes making her weak enough to roll her tears from eyes to heart. But she held herself in a shock when she listened that "he is still single". But why? Is that a milestone of the love? Is that a sacrifice? Is that I am the reason for it? Guilt of making someone suffer a lot was flawing over her heart. She couldn't able to look into his eyes.

"Why, why have u done that?" she asked him.

"I had never measured relationships in miles, but yes there were times when the distance between us has shaken my faith. I ask myself how would have life shaped without you and I found this huge empty space. Sometimes I feel may be someone would have taken your place and given me more than what you have given to me. But I found it hard to think of someone else in your place, you know, everything looks so odd and off the place. Even the remains of the misunderstandings we had and we have, fit so perfectly in my world. If I remove it, it will make my life so incomplete. Funny, isn't it? Whatever harsh words you used or I said, in whatever way we have hurt each other, everything has become a part of this life that we shared; everything completes the design. It's a complete design of my life." He sighed. .

"Serendipity" Part - 6

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Part - 6
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A moment which was like eternity to them got revoked by her child. She gained all the sense but her eyes were still finding no other way except his eyes.

She introduced him to her husband as her old college friend, she looked into his eyes for gratification, but he chooses to skip eye contact with her. He was feeling numb, his hands were getting cold, he was feeling restless as he know this moment will get end abruptly anytime and he don't know how to ask her for contact no?? Same was happening with her also. She was eager as him to get rid of contact number but how can she?? "Can't you give me your no??" she murmured. And even god wanted to them meet again, her husband invited him for a lunch on next Saturday. He accepted it wisely.

She looked into his eyes. His eyes were saying, "No, I won't ask you anything. I don't need your any favor. I know how to be alone and i will walk away the way i had come. I will not stay. But plz help me to heal my soul" She recognized an anger, a frustration, a persuasion inside him. She wanted to say him "Tell me what happened. Tell me everything and I will listen. I will stay mum and wait for you to finish. You can lean on me, let your tears flow down my shoulders, and wipe your eyes with my sleeve. But don't let anything stay inside".

It's like both were listening each other without bartering any words. Only few people can do that whose heart beats in the rhythm. There was a complete void of silence between them. They were not uttering a single word but listen every word they wanted to exchange.

But time has its own speed, time doesn't wait for anyone and it didn't wait for them also. As time passed by, they were becoming more restless. They knew it that time will get end soon, he hurriedly broke the silence and accepted invitation of his husband. He said "I will join you for a lunch next Saturday, Thanks".

He handshake with her husband. Her husband and child moved ahead towards exit but she was still looking into a pretending gesture of his saying "all well", she knew it. Their eyes met, no one wants to say anything, they tried to understand without a barter of words, they did and understood.

"Bye", He said. "Bye", she said. But their eyes were saying something different. With the resonance of relationship they shared with each other both got apart.

He was walking to some place lonely tonight as always but today he felt to hide himself in the shadow of those trees there; so tightly they held on to solitude for so many years and tonight he feels to borrow that solitude. But why he was trying so hard as he knew that surrender was the only answer to his anxiety?

I sigh on the count of every twenty stride he took; something that has fallen in place between him and her, their sighs. Everything else just hangs in the mid air; as confused. The questions resurface like bubbles from the deep within. He was barely holding anything tonight. Tonight it seems he will fall for her again. He again saw her face when he closed his eyes. He fought for a sleep but he lost. He opened his eyes again and remains awaked.

He was getting ready for the lunch day. He was confused what to speak, what to say, to get angry or calm. He was just out of his mind and a day arrived where he found himself alone with her in her house after a lunch.